It is tuesday morning when I just started writing this blog. Another day that I wake up and start to ask myself: is this what I want? Is this the meaning of life? While I just finished this sentence I start to break down and cry behind my laptop, in an empty home. Today I will share with you my thoughts and how I feel lately. It is just something I need to share even tho not a lot of people follow my blog, but it is like therapy for me.
I started this blog almost 4 years ago because my mom got cancer and I wanted to share my stories with other while also doing a beauty blog. I combined those two subjects on this blog and updated everyone about my moms health every other week. In 2016 my mom passed away and so my personal story stopped. I never felt the need to share my personal life with others because it can never be worse that loosing someone you loved. But that was also the reason why it went downhill with me. I suppressed those feelings and sadness for many years until this year I finally felt that I could accept the lost of my mom and started to do my own thing.
When I finally felt it was time to let her go, a lot of things happened in my personal life that didn’t help the situation. My dad unexpected announced that he and his girlfriend were moving in together and that I had to leave the house. My sister luckily could stay with them because she is way younger than me (she is 8,5 years younger) so I had to find a place for Rick and me as he also lived with us every since my mom passed away. Rick has lived with us from the day my dad left our house. After my mom passed away he quickly found a girlfriend and stayed at her house. My little sister and I were left alone, so Rick lived with us in the big house so we could feel a bit more comfortable having a man in the house. Rick and I got engaged last year and that only helped to make our relationship stronger.
Moving forward to today: Rick and I live together in a small but cute apartment. After a lot of stress we successfully found a real estate agency that accepted ‘young’ couples like us and me being a freelancer. Being a freelancer has its perks but also lots of struggles. Because I’m a freelancer and have my own company, a lot of banks and organizations don’t see me as someone with a stable income. I can understand, because I might earn double the amount that other people who work for a boss, but I sometimes have to wait 2 months until they finally pay me.
A lot of my followers tell me: oh you have the best job in the world, working with beauty brands and sitting at home. Well, there are days that I feel so useless and under pressure because I’m a freelancer and can decide what to do and when. When Rick comes home from work he often ask me what I did today: work, just like you? But because I can work from our comfort home and don’t need to travel 1,5 to the office, it feels different for others. I need to prove myself 10 times more than others who work at an office with regular hours. When I finished a job I sometimes need to send 3 reminders to the company I work with until I get payed. What I’m trying to say is, that having my own company and the privilege to work from home doesn’t makes it the best job in the world. It is tears and sweat and lots of stress to keep up with everything.
Then this week one of my K-pop idols Goo Hara passed away, probably suïcide because she was struggling with mental health for a long time. Almost a month ago her bestie Sulli also passed away for the same reason. I think in Asian culture we don’t really recognize the state of mental health. When my little sister went to the psychologist to talk about her emotions and grief she had after my mom passed away, my dad never took her situation serious. Once my dad and I attended one of her sessions because it was part of the therapy and he said “she was just looking for attention and that it was part of her age“. I do have to clarify that my dad had a really hard youth: his mom passed away when he was 1, crossed the ocean for a better life at the age of 14 and raised by a foster family. He never was thought to show empathy or express his love or emotion. What I’m trying to say is that it is hard for me to really open up to other people what is going through my mind sometimes because I feel some people see this as ‘attention seeking’ and others don’t even turn around and will make it worse.
So here I am, having a little breakdown because I don’t know where to go. Should I do something different to make myself feel happy again? What should my mom think of this situation, I feel that she would pick the safe side: going back to work for a boss without any stress. I do often think about going back to the office but on the other side I will miss the freedom and plan my day and do the things I love to do. Being my own boss and freelancer would be so much better if companies just pay me on time. Maybe I need to meet with more people often. Sitting at home all day can feel so empty and I do miss those crazy times at the office. Or do I need to do something else to open up my mind? Doing some sports or having an activity that can change my mind of state like painting.
My business coach always says: if you dream about it and go 100% for it, you will definitely succeed in your company and job! But is this my dream? What do I need to do to make myself feel better?
What means happiness to you?