How I coped with my moms cancer and death – one year later

Hello my lovely reader,

Exactly one year ago on 6th of september my mommy died because of cancer. If you have been following me for a while you know that at the beginning of my blog I shared my personal story with you. To know more about the story behind the whole tragic you can read it here: part1, part2, part3, part4, part5, part6 and semi final part.

On the morning of 6th of september I woke up with a weird feeling. My alarm goes off at 05:30AM for work and that day I felt the urge to stay at home. I sended a message through whatsapp to my manager that I couldn’t go to work because I didn’t feel right. They knew what was going on in my personal life so I never had to defense myself when I didn’t went to work. Ofcourse they didn’t send me a reply that early morning, so I kept on sleeping. I had this weird dream before I woke up, I felt like something bad was going to happen. The moment I sended my manager a message I immediately felt back to sleep, Suddenly at 06:00AM I received a message from my little sister. Why is she awake this early? “Daddy received a call from the hospice, we have to go to mommy right know. It is not going good with her.”. Okay, I had the freaking goosebumps that moment. Weird dream, felt sick, stayed at home and all of a sudden the hospice called is that mommy was not doing okay? I think that was the only moment in my whole useless life that this was meant to be, it was just faith.

The day before mommy was already in a bad shape. She had so much pain that she received a double doses of morphine. She started to talk weird about “Mr. Cheese” and was talking like a little toddler. It was funny and sad at the same time, but never in my life did I expected to have such a rapid change after we left the hospice that day.

I came downstairs around 06:15AM, dad and little sister were starting to clean themselves to head over to the hospice. I was still in a weird mood at that time because the timing was such too weird. My dad was also confused why I didn’t leave to work that time. “I had this weird dream.”, was my answer. He is that kind of person who never speaks back when they ask you a question. We did everything in a rush and jumped into the car to head over to mommy in the hospice.

I’m writing this blog a year later after my mommy passed away and to be honest, I only remember a few things from that day that she crossed over. The moment we walked into her room I saw my mommy in bed, not sure what she was doing. All I knew was that I felt it was that day and so did my dad. He called all the family member to come over as soon as possible to see her before it was too late. My mom was still alive, but not on this world. Because of all the morphine she was unable to communicate and it looked like she was drunk. No possibility to have a clear conversation with her to have a “I love you back” from her. She was not herself. My mom made it very clear that if she was ever in this phase of life, she don’t want to live anymore.

The doctor arrived after all the family members had their moment to say goodbye to mommy. I was a wreck, a sick, wet, unable to speak or breath baby at that moment. The weird thing is that I acted like a big girl when the other family members came to me to comfort me. Why I acted like that, I don’t know. The doctor gave my mommy in shot to bring her slowly into a deep sleep where she would die within 1/4 days or something. Never did we expected that it could that fast.

A room full of people, waiting. Me, my boyfriend, little sis, cousins and nephews and auntie were sitting in this room beside mommy. All of us were sad, crying or mad. It was weird to see them crying or being emotional because some of them I’ve never seen them like this. We shared our thoughts about mommy and all the fun and sweet things she did for us. When all of a sudden we were talking about who would take care of her while she was in a deep sleep. The doctor told us it could happen within a day, but some cases also a few days. My dad, little sis and I were so tired we couldn’t stay at that place any longer. Than my oldest cousin said she wanted to stay that night with mom to watch over her. I was happy that she was the first one who would keep an eye at her because she was my mommy’s fave cousin. Before we headed home two of my best friends came to the hospice to bring some food for my little sis and me. We didn’t have a good meal that day so they brought to bags full with food for us! Best friends ever Ken and Mel!

My cousin stayed with my mom while all of the other family members went to their hotel or home. “How are we able to wait maybe 4 days until she is really in peace?”, was on my mind the whole night. I was laying in bed but I was too tired to be sad or cry. My tears were empty and within seconds I fell asleep. My cousin sended me a sweet message before I went to bed: Your mom is calm now, she is sleeping.

I woke up the next morning and I totally forgot to call work that I still was unable to work (but I guess they already knew it was serious the day before). I checked my phone and there it was .. a message from my cousin who stayed with my mom that night. “Your mommy is in a deep sleep now, it went very peacefully.”. I felt a rush through my whole body. Mommy isn’t here anymore. It went that fast ..

There she was, in her room at the hospice. She had her clothes on that we picked out together. A black dress with white polka dots, pearl earrings and a catholic necklace folded around her cold hands. My uncle was already there in her room, sitting like a zombie in the chair. The moment when I walked through the door he immediately left the room, guess he didn’t want us to see him crying. Me and my  little sis walked to her bed and started talking to mommy. “Hello mommy, I guess you are at a better place now. You still look so chubby! You skin is still so soft! Oh mommy, you still look so cute.”. I grabbed my makeup bag out of my handbag an started doing my moms makeup. My mom asked me that is she wasn’t here anymore, that I should do her makeup because I know how to make her look pretty. Before my mom was sick I always did her makeup when she went to party’s or weddings, she looked like a bombshell! I used a lot of bronzer and blush to make her look more alive. It changed a lot to her appearance. Even my dad was impressed. While I was doing her makeup my little sis couldn’t stop touching my mom, it was so sad to see her doing that because I could feel that she was devastated.

A few days after my mommy passed away we said farewell to her. She had a great insurance she we could do literally everything she wished for, church and food and drinks for people who came to say goodbye to her. This took two days and I think those days were the most difficult days I ever had .. or make it 5 days. The moment mommy passed away and when we said our final goodbye I had to take care of a lot of things. People started to ask me weird thing like: Ohh sorry, but when we say goodbye to your mom I don’t think this or that is a good idea. Are you fckng kidding me? Do you think I have time or the energy to even listing to what should be right or wrong while these things are the wishes of mommy herself? I felt so frustrated and I think a lot of people can relate to that. We did everything for her to make it a beautiful farewell. We even picked the songs together: You raise me up from Westlife .. Ave Maria from Celine Dion and I added Hotel California because she was always bragging about the song that it was #1 in the Top 100 songs. The most beautiful thing was the amount of flowers we received, we even had to rent a second car to bring the flowers to her ceremony and back. I was afraid that nobody would bring her flowers so we as a family bought our own red roses for on her coffin.

I don’t want to tell all the details of her ceremony but I want to thank everyone who came to her to say goodbye. She is still around me and something when I do bad things I can feel something on my shoulder. A week after her death we went to visit my grandpa and he has a piano in the living room. I was there all by myself and suddenly the piano started to play on note. No joke, it has to be mom don’t you think?

I also want to say sorry to all the people when I wasn’t there for them in the last 3 years. I skipped birthdays, party’s, I ignored whatsapp messages because I wasn’t myself .. and still working on it. I know I’ve lost a lot of friends and I accept that for the way I behaved the last few years. But I also learned through this whole process that only the realest one are still sticking with me. They have been here for me whenever I was sad or having a bad day. They understood me.

I want you to remember my mom as a loving mother, auntie, wife, daughter in law, mom in law whatever your relationship is with her. I wish she could see me now ..

We miss you mommy, Catharina Thi Bach Tuyet Luong

06.06.1961 – 06.09.2016

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