Let me take you back to wednesday, August 31th. I placed another “How I cope with my moms cancer” blogpost about that specific day on the saturday September the 3rd, just 3 days in between. Wednesday was the first time I received a warning about my moms health, in my dreams. I dreamed that she wasn’t doing well and that her time will come soon. Never did I imagined how fast things can go…
Saturday, September the 3rd felt like any other day: I do the laundry, work on my blog and after dinner I prepare myself to visit my mom at the hospice. She has been there for the last 1,5 months because we couldn’t take care of her anymore. She accepted the situation and find her place in the hospice where volunteers and nurses take care of her in the most amazing way.
Only this day I couldn’t visit her because I was invited for a birthday party. The day before we visited her in the evening, she was like always herself. Cheerful, happy, but more in pain every hour of the day. I felt terrible when I visited her, because I just had that dream on the wednesday. I looked at her and I was hesitating if I should tell her about it. No, it will definitely make her scared or angry. I can’t tell it. It felt like an awkward visit for me, I was barely talking to her because I was still thinking about that dream.
So I went to this birthday party on the Saturday, the day I placed my blog post about my weird dream. I received so many sweet messages from everyone who supported me and wished me luck in everything. Only that couldn’t help me stop from thinking about that dream. This birthday party ended late at night and me and my boyfriend were sleeping around 3am.
I woke up in the morning, it was sunday morning right now. I always grab my phone to check my messages and Instagram. Something grabbed my attention: missed calls from my dad and my little sister’s Whatsapp. “Missed call —, Dad”, shit that was about 2 hours ago. I didn’t hear my phone because I muted it. I checked my Whatsapp messages from my sister: “Sis, are you awake? Mommy called us and she said we have to come immediately.”. My heart was pounding, from anger and fear. Why the fuck didn’t they knock on my door to wake me up? Why are they fucking pussy’s that they call me instead of walking into my room to wake me? Just because my boyfriend was sleeping with me? I mean, he has been in the family for more than 2 years now and they still feel uncomfortable to walk into my room when he is here. I tried to call them both, but they didn’t pick up the phone. After my boyfriend tried to calm me down, someone called me. It was my dad, he told me I didn’t have to worry about the situation and that mommy was doing fine. How do you mean fine? My little sister send me a message that we had to visit her as soon as possible! My dad tried to explain that her action was not good and that she didn’t have to send me that message at all.
Later that sunday night I went to visit my mom with my dad and sis. She was doing good but she was in a lot of pain and already received several extra doses of morphine. She was trying to comfort me because she heard that I was worried about her that morning. We talked about the next day, that I would stay a night at the hospice at her room to have a girls night and talk about everything. I was so excited about that plan because she told me that the breakfast at the hospice is amazing. The nurse already took care of everything, our girls night at the monday was ready. But first we had to talk about other things. While we were there my mom asked me if I could grab her funeral clothes. I felt a bit weird because I didn’t know why she wanted to see her clothes now. I grabbed her piece from the closet (it is procedure that you have everything ready at the hospice, when things happen) and showed her the piece. She was satisfied about the simple black blouse with white polka dots. This was her only item she could wear at the moment because she gained so much weight because of the high amount of medicines. Than she asked me if I already knew what I was going to wear at her funeral. I felt a little bit creeped out at the moment, why was she asking this right NOW? I simply answered with: little black dress and a big hat, maybe heels. We said goodbye to her “Goodbye mommy, see you tomorrow!”. My little sister had a hard time to say goodbye to her like always, but monday night day we’ll see her again and then I will sleep at her room for a girls night!
It is monday morning .. September 5th, my alarm went off at 05:20AM like always. I had to go to work but weird enough I overslept. I suddenly woke up around 06:20AM, that is the time I usually left the house. I had two options: don’t go to work and call the manager that I’m sick or go to work but coming late with the chance that someone already took my workspace (flex working area). I chose for the first option. I stayed a while in bed and I was thinking that this never happened to me before with this job. I already worked more than a year for this company and I never overslept. I felt confused but at the same time relaxed because this means I’m having a nice day off. Suddenly my little sister send me a message at 06:30AM. Why is she awake now? “Sis, the hospice called daddy. Mommy is not okay. We have to come immediately.”. This day will become one of the longest day of my life …
Thanks a lot for reading x
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I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and are obviously still going through. I lost my dad when I was 7 to pancreas cancer so this all definitely sounds a little familiar. Sending you lots of love <3
Thank you so much dear for telling your own story. I’m so sorry for your lost and it must have been hard at such a young age. Love back! <3