I’m writing this blog on Wednesday 31 August. I had to go work today, but I didn’t. I had a terrible dream tonight. It had something to do with my mom and the theme “Death”. I woke up several times, thinking about what I’d just experienced in my dream and why this was happening to me. My alarm went off at 5:20AM, which was very bad timing, because I had a terrible night of sleep and because I didn’t feel like working. Something in my dream told me not to go to work …
I called my supervisor this morning. I told her I couldn’t go to work because my mom was not okay. She knows about my situation and has told me several times that I could stay home if I wanted to spend more time with my mom. This time I already knew that something bad was coming today because of my dream. I felt really bad about lying to my supervisor, but if I’d told her about my dream she would not have taken me seriously, right? But my dream had something to do with my mom, so I hadn’t really lied. I woke up early instead of going to bed and making up for the sleep I didn’t get tonight. I played with my kitten and let her play in de garden. My sister had already left home for school and my dad was still sleeping. If my father asked me why I wasn’t working, I would lie to him that I was on my period. Works all the time.
I felt weird this morning, like I was half-asleep. My dad went downstairs and made some coffee for himself. He turned his head and asked me why I was home. I told him I was on my period. No questions were asked. Suddenly his phone ringed; my mom was calling from the hospice. I guess she has been in the hospice for about six weeks now. We couldn’t take care of her anymore. It just got too hard for us as a family. That’s why we made the decision to take her to the hospice were she receives professional care 24/7. My dad whispered something to her in Vietnamese with an annoyed face and nodded. He ended the call and sighed deeply. “Your mom is in pain. She keeps complaining that she is in a lot of pain and that she wants more medicine to let it stop. I told her I couldn’t do that. Only the doctors can.”. My dream was coming true. This was bad news.
My dad was rushing to the hospice while I stayed at home to do the laundry. Suddenly my phone went off. My display showed me that my dad was calling me. “Thuy An? This is mommy”. I visit my mom after dinner almost every day, but whenever she’s calling me, I feel sad hearing her voice that doesn’t sound like herself anymore. Her voice gets softer every time and it sounds very distant. “Thuy An, can you please get me my black blouse that we picked together for my funeral? If it doesn’t fit me anymore, you’ll have to look for another black blouse for me. I don’t feel well at the moment, I can’t breath properly. Please do this for mommy, otherwise we’ll be too late.”. My mom has had cancer for about two years now. In the first month of knowing she was sick, we’d already prepared everything: clothes, music, etc. But because of the medicines she used, she gained a lot of weight. “Yes mommy, I will give the clothes to daddy so that he can take them to you.”. I found the pieces that we picked together in the closet. I’d put them in a special place so I could immediately find them when I’d need them. They looked a bit too small for her to be honest, but I would let her try them on before I’d pick something else for her.
Then my dad came home from the hospice. He told me that the doctor would come by today to change my mom’s morphine dose. He asked me if I could do him a favour. Of course I’d do anything for my dad. He asked me if I could look up a picture of mommy in a white dress with black dots. She wants to use that particular picture for her funeral. I felt such a pressure on me because I couldn’t find the picture! It’s my mom’s request, but the picture was just gone! Ugh, I had such a knot in my stomach. So I looked at other pictures of her that she might like. I found a few pictures in which she was wearing a traditional Vietnamese dress. The only important thing was her face for on the funeral cards. I liked this pic because she was smiling and because it was spontaneous. This day turned out much more different than what I thought last night. My dad is on his way to mom again. He usually visits her three/four times a day so that she won’t feel lonely in the hospice. I’m at home now, crying on the couch while working on my blog. This has been such a long and hectic rollercoaster, but we never know when the ride is going to end.
This is not the first time a dream of mine has come true. I have had a lot of déjà vus in my life and they really do come true every time… I haven’t been myself lately. I want to say sorry to the people who I’ve let down for the past two years. This whole thing that has been going on for the past two years has had a big impact on me and my family, friends and work. I’ve seen people change, real friends staying close and haters saying goodbye. When something bad is happening in your life, you realize that the whole #yolo thing is something we have to take seriously, because God has a plan for us all, but we don’t know how and when it will end …
Thanks a lot for reading x
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I’m so sorry to read this. Sending lots of love to you and if you ever want to talk about anything, you know where to find me Xx
Thankyouuu dear for your love and kind words <3
Blijft heel heftig allemaal. M’n oma, die voor mij meer m’n moeder én oma en beste vriendin is, is ook ongeneeslijk ziek met dezelfde ziekte 🙁 zij is wel in een iets minder ver stadium. Lijkt me heel confronterend om ook al met begrafenis bezig te zijn geweest. Helaas kan ik niet meer doen dan je een dikke digitale knuffel geven.
Die dromen word je ook onrustig van, kan ik me heel erg voorstellen. Maak er het beste van meis!
Dankjewel schat <3 het spijt me van je oma, hoop dat je nog veel herinneringen met haar kan creëren X dankjewel voor je lieve woorden en steun
Ik vind het heel knap hoe je hiermee omgaat! Mijn oom is ook overleden aan kanker, dus ik weet precies waar je doorheen gaat.. Vasthouden aan alle mooie herinneringen werkte voor mij heel goed. Sending al my love to you and your family!
Het spijt me van je oom. Het is nu even lastig en ik ben bang voor wat er nog allemaal gaat komen, maar gelukkig krijg ik heel veel steun via mijn blog en Instagram. Toch fijn om iemand te spreken met een soort gelijke ervaring… Sommige mensen zijn best closed minded en weten niet zo goed ermee om te gaan. Ik wil je heel erg bedanken voor de reactie <3
Hugs! We all love you and understand. At least I do :). You don’t need to apologize. 💞💞
Thankyou so much for reading my blog X thanks for understanding me and the for the love <3
Your mum looks beautiful in this photo, sending you hugs and positive thoughts xoxo
Thankyou sweetheart <3 thanks for the kind words and support
Jeetje wat heftig zeg. Ik wens je heel veel sterkte toe. Krijg er gewoon kippevel van. Mooie foto van je moeder ook.
You are very brave and doing the best you can. Sending positive thoughts for you and your family.
My heart reaches out to you love!! Stay strong and positive and never loose HOPE! Sending warm hugs my way!
You are such a strong woman.. I will pray for your mom. She will be get well soon. Just stay positive.
I am very sorry to read this.. sending all my love to you and your family! ❤️
Thankyou babe for the support <3
Wauw, eerste post die ik van je lees. Mooi geschreven, verdrietig om te lezen! Heel veel sterkte toegewenst.
Heel erg bedankt voor het lezen en je steun <3
Lieve An, ik weet niet eens meer hoe ik op je blog terecht bent gekomen, maar ik heb meteen alle delen gelezen over je mama. Heel heel verdrietig en jouw mama komt veel overeen met mijn mama. Alles voor de kids. Ik zou continu in een droom leven in jouw situatie, zo onwerkelijk zo hard zo frustrerend en pijn. Ik wens je ontzettend veel sterkte en veel escapades in je blog. Je hebt een prachtige blog. Lekker creatief bezig zijn. Ik denk aan je, ookal ken ik je totaal niet. Dikke knuffel Nakatsie
Heel erg bedankt voor het lezen van mijn blog en voor al je steun <3
Hi An! I came across your blog randomly through google. I read your post and wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My mom got stage 4 cancer in November 2016 and she passed away quickly Feb 13th, 2016. I understand your pain and I’m very sorry. It’s one of the worst feelings ever to see and hear your mom in pain or hurting. XOXO praying for you and your mom
Hello Kim, first of all thank you so much for being so open and sharing your own story with me <3 it only makes clear that this has a big impact on everyone, because a mom means everything for all of us. If you are curious I recently posted a new episode of my story, my mom passed away recently. Thank you for visiting and reading my story <3
I meant to write November 2015*