I’m writing this blog on Wednesday 31 August. I had to go work today, but I didn’t. I had a terrible dream tonight. It had something to do with my mom and the theme “Death”. I woke up several times, thinking about what I’d just experienced in my dream and why this was happening to me. My alarm went off at 5:20AM, which was very bad timing, because I had a terrible night of sleep and because I didn’t feel like working. Something in my dream told me not to go to work …
I called my supervisor this morning. I told her I couldn’t go to work because my mom was not okay. She knows about my situation and has told me several times that I could stay home if I wanted to spend more time with my mom. This time I already knew that something bad was coming today because of my dream. I felt really bad about lying to my supervisor, but if I’d told her about my dream she would not have taken me seriously, right? But my dream had something to do with my mom, so I hadn’t really lied. I woke up early instead of going to bed and making up for the sleep I didn’t get tonight. I played with my kitten and let her play in de garden. My sister had already left home for school and my dad was still sleeping. If my father asked me why I wasn’t working, I would lie to him that I was on my period. Works all the time.
I felt weird this morning, like I was half-asleep. My dad went downstairs and made some coffee for himself. He turned his head and asked me why I was home. I told him I was on my period. No questions were asked. Suddenly his phone ringed; my mom was calling from the hospice. I guess she has been in the hospice for about six weeks now. We couldn’t take care of her anymore. It just got too hard for us as a family. That’s why we made the decision to take her to the hospice were she receives professional care 24/7. My dad whispered something to her in Vietnamese with an annoyed face and nodded. He ended the call and sighed deeply. “Your mom is in pain. She keeps complaining that she is in a lot of pain and that she wants more medicine to let it stop. I told her I couldn’t do that. Only the doctors can.”. My dream was coming true. This was bad news.
My dad was rushing to the hospice while I stayed at home to do the laundry. Suddenly my phone went off. My display showed me that my dad was calling me. “Thuy An? This is mommy”. I visit my mom after dinner almost every day, but whenever she’s calling me, I feel sad hearing her voice that doesn’t sound like herself anymore. Her voice gets softer every time and it sounds very distant. “Thuy An, can you please get me my black blouse that we picked together for my funeral? If it doesn’t fit me anymore, you’ll have to look for another black blouse for me. I don’t feel well at the moment, I can’t breath properly. Please do this for mommy, otherwise we’ll be too late.”. My mom has had cancer for about two years now. In the first month of knowing she was sick, we’d already prepared everything: clothes, music, etc. But because of the medicines she used, she gained a lot of weight. “Yes mommy, I will give the clothes to daddy so that he can take them to you.”. I found the pieces that we picked together in the closet. I’d put them in a special place so I could immediately find them when I’d need them. They looked a bit too small for her to be honest, but I would let her try them on before I’d pick something else for her.
Then my dad came home from the hospice. He told me that the doctor would come by today to change my mom’s morphine dose. He asked me if I could do him a favour. Of course I’d do anything for my dad. He asked me if I could look up a picture of mommy in a white dress with black dots. She wants to use that particular picture for her funeral. I felt such a pressure on me because I couldn’t find the picture! It’s my mom’s request, but the picture was just gone! Ugh, I had such a knot in my stomach. So I looked at other pictures of her that she might like. I found a few pictures in which she was wearing a traditional Vietnamese dress. The only important thing was her face for on the funeral cards. I liked this pic because she was smiling and because it was spontaneous. This day turned out much more different than what I thought last night. My dad is on his way to mom again. He usually visits her three/four times a day so that she won’t feel lonely in the hospice. I’m at home now, crying on the couch while working on my blog. This has been such a long and hectic rollercoaster, but we never know when the ride is going to end.
This is not the first time a dream of mine has come true. I have had a lot of déjà vus in my life and they really do come true every time… I haven’t been myself lately. I want to say sorry to the people who I’ve let down for the past two years. This whole thing that has been going on for the past two years has had a big impact on me and my family, friends and work. I’ve seen people change, real friends staying close and haters saying goodbye. When something bad is happening in your life, you realize that the whole #yolo thing is something we have to take seriously, because God has a plan for us all, but we don’t know how and when it will end …
Thanks a lot for reading x