How I cope with my moms cancer pt.3

How I cope with my moms cancer pt.3

Hi everyone,

I think everybody has experienced this situation: your loved ones are in a difficult situation, you want to ask them how they are doing but at the same time you are afraid to bother them. You are curious about their current situation but when you ask you probably get an irritated reaction or even worse: ‘I’m fine’ when they clearly aren’t. I struggle with this every day.

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Every day I want to ask my mom how she is feeling. But it sounds like a stupid question, she is dying why would I ask her if she is okay? Ofcourse she is not okay. However what I would like to know is if she has enjoyed her day or what is going through her mind. When I finally manage to find the nerve to ask her, she always answers me with very few words. I get so frustrated because as a daughter I would like to know all there is to know before it’s too late.
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My mom is a typical woman, she can talk for hours with her friends on the phone. My parents think I can’t understand Vietnamese because they never taught me, but they are wrong.
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When my mom is on the phone I can pick up a few lines. I noticed she discusses everything with her friends and I heard things she never even mentioned to me or my sister. That really bothers me.
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One day my mom was kind of moody, she yelled at me saying I never ask her how she is doing. Wait what? I ask you all the time but you never answer me or hit me with the aforementioned ‘fine’. That is why I stopped asking her everyday and only asked her when she came back from the hospital after a consult. I told her asking her was hopeless since I didn’t get an answer anyway. I started to get frustrated and asked her why she never tells us everything but her friends know every little detail. We are your daughters but you feel it is more important to tell your friends how you are doing. When you are gone do you think your friends will be here to take care of dad? You even tell them you are in pain every day but when we ask you don’t even give us an answer. It is important to us that we can share emotions and feelings while you are still here. Why do you do this to us? Why do you constantly shut us out?
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I yelled and cried, feeling angry and sad at the same time. All this time she was hiding so many things from us. She even hid the results of the last test, when they discoved the cancer spread to her hip and spinal cord. We had to find this out by overhearing her talk to her friends on the phone. It is important to us to know how she is doing. Often times people ask me how my mom is doing. Do you know how stupid it makes me feel having to answer: Honestly I don’t know. They are probably thinking what kind of daughter doesn’t know how her sick mom is doing?

To be continued . . .

Thanks a lot for reading x

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27 Comments

  1. March 29, 2016 / 14:39

    I am so so so sorry. I’m sending all my love and thoughts to you xx

  2. March 30, 2016 / 11:24

    It takes great courage and strength to put up something like this…..hats of to you…..Keep it up…….special invitation to you to check my blog and do follow it,…if u like………….thepinkapple.net

  3. March 31, 2016 / 14:28

    Hi An, Thank you for sharing with us your story again. I don’t know why people often shut out the nearest to them, it’s human nature. Your mum probably still sees you and your sister as her babies, I know my mum treats me that way 🙂 Maybe speaking in Vietnamese is easier for her to describe how she feels to her friends. I wouldnt take it personally and I would still ask her daily how she feels and if she needs any help with anything. Stay strong *big hugs*

    • April 1, 2016 / 19:06

      Thankyou for your beautiful comment. I know she is trying to protect us but this isnt the right way to do it. Its hard not to take it personal even tho she doesnt mean it that way ): xx

  4. April 1, 2016 / 14:19

    I am really sorry that your mum has cancer. I know how you feel, I am kind of having similar problem with my parents. Stay positive and do your best x????????????

  5. April 7, 2016 / 08:20

    Greetings An,
    Sending love and light for you and your mother! She must be trying to be strong for her daughters, perhaps thinking not to burden you.
    My mother passed of cancer, breast cancer that found its way to her bones.I don’t recall her sharing with friends. In truth, I don’t think she had many friends at the end, she’d gone inward so much. I remember moving quietly about the house, watching her from silent corners, hoping she wouldn’t leave for another week, although I knew the cancer was aggressive from listening to adult whispers on the air.
    I understand, have been there.
    Just love her well…
    Claudia

    • April 7, 2016 / 09:53

      Hii hon! Thankyou for reading and supporting me. I am so sorry to hear that you experienced the same thing. I think my mom starts to have the same things, staying inside and afraid of the outside. Thankyou again and that you want to share this with me love!
      <3

      • April 8, 2016 / 05:42

        Evening An,
        Indeed, I enjoy reading and supporting your beautiful blog and Instagram gallery! You are doing a phenomenal job, and I am inspired to be better each time I visit your sites!
        Wishing you, your mom and the family peace, love and blessings!
        Have a marvelous weekend! <3

  6. Sarah
    April 7, 2016 / 08:37

    I’m going to email you, in case you ever just want to talk. My mom died “suddenly” at the hospital where I worked. When I was 24 years old, and 5 months pregnant with my daughter. She never told anyone, other than my dad about her very rare form of cancer. She refused certain treatments that could have helped her live longer, but would have reduced her quality of life. I was only told this when my dad asked me if we should take her off life support. It was up to me. (Having worked in healthcare, I knew the right thing to do was to let her go. She’d have never that for herself.)
    I was so….ANGRY and confused by my mom’s choice to not tell me. I would have asked more questions, spent more time with her, gotten to truly know her…. She didn’t give me that option! I felt like she stole from me, that she denied me the chance to show her in any and every way just how much I love her.
    Trust me…It is very difficult to be MAD at your deceased mother. There’s no arguing. She wins. I still have so many unanswered questions. Six years later…I reflect back on that time and I understand. I can finally see that it wasn’t about me. My needs, my wishes, my loss. She’d already lived her whole life for me. It was her choice, her life, her death. I respect her choice now. I only wish that I could get annoyed and frustrated by her these days :,) What I wouldn’t give to just have her nag at me for something petty Lol
    Cherish every moment, even the “bad” ones. You are still having these moments with her! She may be struggling with her fate, grieving her own death. Allow her to grieve. Be there. Even if it’s just your physical presence, even if she needs a metaphorical “punching bag” to release her anger… Be there. Be whatever it is she needs you to be. Tell her you’ll be there and she can be as upset or rude or unpleasant as she needs to be. There is no right or wrong way to cope with your own death.
    Every mother should be so lucky. You are an amazing daughter. I worked on the Oncology unit at the time. We had many people with no visitors, dying alone. Many times I would be the only one there for them. I was the punching bag. Keep on keeping on. Support her in the ways she needs support and be there for your father. I admire your strength. This is one of the hardest things you will ever do and you’re handling it with grace. You’re allowed to be upset with her, you’re allowed to just fall apart and cry, you’re allowed to have your grief too. Throughout it all though, please remember the most important thing. Be there. Just simply be there.

    Everything is going to be okay. ????

    • April 7, 2016 / 09:50

      I couldnt read your comment without crying. And to be honest I don’t really know how to react on your story because it is such a hard and difficult situation you had. I can only say that i really appreciate it that you share this with me. All the things you said and how you deal with it are things that I need to keep in mind. Weird enough i never thought the way like you just told me how to deal with it and to accept the things what my mom does. You story really helped me to clear things up and to appreciate the moments i have with her now. You really helped me and it will be really nice if you want share your stories with me by mail <3

      • Sarah
        April 7, 2016 / 10:47

        You’re very welcome. I know it’s hard. I didn’t mean to make you cry, but I just hoped to help you look at the situation from a different perspective. I think it’s a healthier mindset for you to have during this time. I hope you can use what I’ve learned as a new way to cope , a way that makes you grateful for the time you have with your mom. I know I certainly didn’t understand it when I was going through it. Your mother is very fortunate to have a family that loves her so dearly. Yes, it was a very difficult time for me but now I’ve moved beyond mourning her death, and I chose to celebrate her life. She always wanted me to run a 5k with her, which I never did. On the 2nd anniversary of her death I did run a 5k and I even got first place in my age group Lol I was surprised, but I also felt like I had already won. ???? I have a beautiful story that I will email you. You’re going to make it through this.

  7. April 11, 2016 / 15:38

    I’m so sorry! I don’t have words that can properly comfort but I’m thinking of you! 🙂

    • April 11, 2016 / 15:43

      Thankyou beauty for the support, I am already happy that you checked out my blog!
      X

  8. April 18, 2016 / 09:21

    In these situations there are few words to say… I know what you are feeling and I’m so sorry about that. 🙁
    We have to be strong, but it’s hard to face a situations like this.
    Sending my prayers to you and your mum.
    A big huge, I’m with you, dear. :-*

    • April 18, 2016 / 09:44

      Thankyou so much sweetheart for your kind words and support! <3

  9. August 7, 2016 / 19:56

    I’m so sorry to hear your mum is suffering with cancer. This post really struck me, I was in the exact same position 2 years ago. I lost my mum to cancer, I was 7 months pregnant at the time. Devastating.
    I used to ask her everyday how she was feeling and she’d reply ‘fine’ or ‘a bit tired’ not much to go on. It was so frustrating I jut wanted her to open up and let me in on how she was feeling. But now I look back and feel she was just protecting me from the suffering she was going through. She had a short battle and died quite quickly. My only advice to you would be just to keep doing what your doing ask her how she is and just be there for her. Try and treasure the moments you have left with her. Take care and look after yourself too.
    Thinking of you
    Much love
    Lisa xxx
    Beauxdiaries.com xxx

    • thebeauparlour
      August 8, 2016 / 08:28

      Im so sorry to hear about your story… it sounds terrible. But on the other side it is great to hear from someone else they had the same experience and that we can share this with eachother. Thankyou for telling me this and supporting me honn X

  10. sofi
    October 4, 2016 / 20:47

    I casually read your story, I understand you very well
    I lost my father 14 years ago
    Please find details of my mother (cancer stage) and look for treatment options is not to cure but to stop the process (
    I know you can find a company to collect funds for expensive treatment
    most importantly do not give up!

    • sofi
      October 4, 2016 / 20:53

      I wrote to my phone quickly and make mistake t9
      *Please find details of my mother* I meant your mother

    • thebeauparlour
      October 7, 2016 / 22:12

      Thankyou for reading and the advice X

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