My first part about my mom was my most popular post I ever wrote. I feel so relieved that people wanted to read my story. At the same time, I feel exposed: what will people think of me when they read my thoughts? Maybe they think that I am overreacting or that I am not the only one who is struggeling with these things. Why does she not stop complaining and find professional help? But at the end, I do this because I want to share my experience and sometimes I have the feeling that outsiders don’t really know what is happening.
When we found out that she only had 6 months left, my mom wanted to do everything to spend more time with us. Against the advice the doctors gave her, she insisted to do chemo. It was very difficult for us because we didn’t know if her body would be stable enough for the chemo.
When you start with chemo (in her situation) it will be 4 treatments in a period of time. These first 4 chemo’s are the heaviest because they inject the 2 sacks of fluid into the bloodstream. After the 4 chemo’s it will be 1 sack. We were warned that the first 4 treatments will be difficult and a lot of complications. They were not joking. Her body was getting even worse after the chemo and we had to bring her to the hospital. They did a check up and after a few days she was back home. This is something that is still going on: after every chemo treatment she starts to get a lot of complications after 4/5 days and we have to bring her away because we cant take care of her.
The first 4 chemo’s were over and we finally started to see some difference. At first she had problems with breathing because there was fluid in her lungways. Also she had to lay in bed the whole day because she was to fragile. Now she could to all the things she used to do like the laundry and cooking. There were some cons: she gained so much weight that she was unrecognizable. She couldn’t wear any of the clothes she owned and went from a XS/S to a L/XL.
While she was recovering from her 4 chemo’s, she was afraid to go outside because she didn’t wanted to be seen by people she knew. She thought she looked fat and not herself. We called her Hamtaro, because she looked like a hamster or a squirrel with big puffy cheecks. She tried to exercise to lose the weight, but the medicine she had to take everyday was also responsible for the weight gain and the fluid that was restored in her body.
My mom noticed that people around her acted weird against her. Some of them were very supportive but others started to ignoring her. For me it is the same. But I can’t blame those people. If I had a friend who’s mom had cancer, I don’t know how to handle the situation.
For me it is really difficult to combine my personal things with the situation at home. At work I felt so emotional that sometimes I had to go to the bathroom to be alone. Currently I don’t have many friends at work because I don’t start conversations with them. When I talk to someone I feel really down and sometimes I am afraid that someone will notice that I ignore them. I want to make friends at work and be invited to parties, but I can’t fake having a great time because in the back of my mind all I can think about is my mom. For my mom it is just the same. When everybody is gone for work of school, she is at home by herself. She likes it when people come by, but on the other hand she is too weak to really start up the conversation.
Now, me and my mother just accept the situation that it is not always possible to have the people around you need or desire.
To be continued..
Thanks a lot for reading x